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I started losing weight after I had my first child. I am 156 cm and used to be 85 kg in June 2014. After I started losing weight I felt amazing, it went fast and I felt better than ever. Almost a year later I was close to my goal weight of 54 kg (I weighted 57 kg then). Then, I got pregnant again and I had mixed feelings about it. I hadn't planned on another child yet and I was sad that I had not yet reached my goal weight.
When I was almost 4 months pregnant my father died very suddenly. I started to control my food even more and only gained the minimum amount of weight, my daughter was born in March 2016, she was very healthy and I weighed less than before I got pregnant. I had reached my GW but it was not enough. Because of a whole series of other unfortunate events I wanted to lose more and more weight until I reached my lowest weight of 43 kg. I could only reach this weight by eating around 400-800 calories a day and I was a complete zombie. I didn't have any feelings which was exactly what I wanted because life at that time was just too hard.
At that weight, I didn't have a period, I had bloodwork done and everything was too low. My hormones were low, I was anaemic, my hair was falling out, I had extremely low blood pressure and low heart rate (around 45), no energy and I had very extreme mood swings. My doctor became very concerned for my health and I decided I needed to start eating again. So I did. And now, more than a year later I have gained everything back and I think I am heavier than before my second pregnancy, I threw out my scale when I was recovering from the eating disorder.
I hate my body, I hate myself and I hate it the most that I could not stop eating when I was back at a healthy weight and loving my body. I am avoiding social contact because I just cannot stand to look at myself in a mirror anymore. I cannot stand the feeling of fat on my body. The thighs, the stomach, the chubby arms. I have breasts again and I hate them. I hate everything about my body and myself but I am too exhausted to do something about it.
I have therapy, I have some friends, my partner and I are separated since May this year on my initiative so I am happy about that. I wish I could just lose the weight again but as a small woman I know how much effort it will cost and especially how slow it will go. I feel so discouraged and stupid and full of hate for myself. I know this sounds insane but most days I hit myself in the head pretty hard after seeing myself in the mirror. I just cannot deal with what I am seeing. When I was so thin I finally loved my body, the feeling of the bones protruding everywhere. How small it all was, it fascinated me and made me happy. Now I am just back at being fat and ugly.
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