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I [29M] weighed 291 lbs at my heaviest and I just hit my goal weight of 200lbs. But I feel empty.
I’ve always been big. Bigger and taller than my peers. I first crossed the 200 mark when I was in middle school and I only got bigger. But I always stayed active. I played soccer and tennis when I was younger, football from 10-16 and marching band in HS. Despite this, I kept ballooning because I was a picky eater and would pretty much only eat cereal, burgers, chicken nuggets, and hotdogs.
I was bullied and called names for being fat occasionally but I never let it get me down. I did decently in school, I asked a few girls out and got some dates, and I excelled in most things I put my mind to. I’ve always had a great group of friends and family that love and support me which helps.
When I first saw 291 on the scale I immediately knew I was going to make a change to lose weight with an initial goal of 200lbs. It hasn’t been easy but I started eating healthier, counting calories, running and biking and the weight just dropped off. Friends and family started telling me how great I look, my clothes didn’t fit so I bought nicer ones that are in style and I get compliments on those, I got a bolder haircut and started styling it, and recently began some light weight lifting.
But I’m miserable. I don’t see myself the way others supposedly do and I honestly sometimes think they’re lying. I recognize the fact that I’ve lost weight. The scale doesn’t lie. But my stomach doesn’t seem any smaller, my face is still pudgey and red, my arms still have flab that hangs off, there are stretch marks and wrinkles and folds in my skin. I miss good food, I’m always tired and in pain, I don’t like my picture taken and I didn’t go to the pool once this summer because I refuse to take my shirt off in public. I feel like a monster and don’t want to be seen.
Everyone always talks about how losing weight made them more confident and outgoing but it has made me withdraw and hate myself. I haven’t had a girlfriend in years, I’m socially anxious and awkward now, I can’t look in the mirror without feeling disgusted and in 29 years of my life I’ve never had such low self-esteem.
I thought a lot about how I would react when I hit my goal. I imagined myself jumping for joy, maybe even letting out a scream of happiness. But I felt nothing. I just want to be happy again.
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