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Hey r/loseit! I’m so glad I stumbled on you at 3 am last night in an anxiety driven reddit hole.
I’m going through start today. But I think I need to say the things I’ve never said out loud or admitted to others.
I’ve always been fat, overweight, whatever you want to call it. I can’t remember not being at least a little chubby when I was a kid, and self conscious at too young an age. I stopped wearing short and skirts because my legs were chubby and only wore jeans for over a decade. My boobs developed too early because of my weight, and I’ve spent my life hunching over to hide them from leering men (since I was 9). I was chubby and unlovable and hated everything about myself for most of my life. I don’t know any other way to be. And as a result, every time I’ve tried to actively lose weight, I’ve never made it past a couple lbs.
I was about 135 in high school, on my 5’ frame. I didn’t eat breakfast, had strange ideas about diets, and hoarded junk food I liked in my room so no one would see me eating it. After high school I spent a year living in Ethiopia, where I gained another 5 and came back at 140. I hated myself then. An ex boyfriend gave me mono and I lost 15 lbs, but even at 125 (which is actually quite a healthy weight for me) I could only see the fat and problems areas. But all the weight came back, and more. Fast forward to 9 years later. I’m 165 and the heaviest I’ve ever been. I start working out with a trainer and consciously eating healthier. I only ever lose 4 lbs, get frustrated and give up. A year later, I’m suddenly at 173. It’s the new year, I am looking at my body wondering how it got this bad, and decide to make a change. I start doing workouts at home as well as counting calories. Sign up for an app that comes with a coach, helps you count your calories, and breaks down the psychological issues you have with food. It works for a while. I lose 6 lbs, but plateau. Basically give up on the app. Have a series of false starts like this throughout the year. Change up my medication in hopes that’s affecting my weight. See a friend make a decision to have cosmetic surgery because she doesn’t like the way she looks, and think that along those same lines, I should just get liposuction. Spiral down a path of “I will never lose this weight” and keep weighing the possibility of liposuction against its dangers. It’s not even my self esteem and confidence issues, it’s the fact that the weight that sits on my body feels foreign. The fat that hangs down (I have a stomach fat roll that actually flips down and has a fold) doesn’t feel like it’s my body.
But worse than that is the fact that I may be diabetic. On top of my issues of weight, type 2 diabetes runs in my family. My grandfather (healthy by all visual means of assessment) had type 2 diabetes. My father, also seemingly healthy, not overweight, is on track for it as well. Here I am, 29, and prediabetic. I haven’t been to the doctor in so long because all she talks about is my weight and how I have to lose it, but then she never gives me tools besides the “online course”. I sucked at my online courses in college, so I stopped taking them. I always needed more handholding, especially with something like this — like what I should be eating.
So here I am, sitting with what I can only imagine is a weight induced depression alongside my anxiety, and I find r/loseit. I think to myself, if all of these people can do it, maybe I can too?
Here goes, day 1, again. But this time, I’ve found a community who are doing it too and who have done it.
Today I’m going to walk 3k, eat 1250 (my daily limit with a 500 deficit), and take advantage of the cold to enjoy eating things like soups.
And my stats are 29 F, 174 lbs, 5’. I need to lose 50 lbs to be healthy, but 60 to be in the ideal weight range for my height.
TL;DR: I’m obese and always give up on losing weight, only to then gain more than I had before. This time I’m going to mooch off of the support of the fine people of r/loseit to yelp keep myself in check and on track.
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