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Sorry for long post. I have been overweight since I was a little kid. My mom has had a career in fitness since before I was born, we always had balanced meals at home. But I remained fat because I loved eating (still do) and I’ve never been able to maintain a healthy relationship with food.
In high school I hovered around 170lbs (I’m 5’4”) but at one point got up to 210lbs. I lost the weight my senior year and got down to 170 again. I got pregnant and had my daughter at 20. After giving birth I was at 230, and slowly went up to 260 by the time she was 2. At that point I had had enough and I lost 70lbs in just 8 months. I loved it, and it didn’t take long before those healthy changes seemed effortless. I didn’t have to talk myself into going to the gym. If I missed a workout I felt restless and I HAD to be active. I ate healthy, portioned meals and rarely snacked. I didn’t feel deprived. I quit weight watchers because I was having more success on my own than with the program. I was finally back to my “comfortable” pre-pregnancy weight and once I got there my motivation to continue just faded. I felt like I was back to my “old self” and stopped caring about actually reaching my goal weight.
Soon after, I got into a relationship with my current fiancé. In our first year together I went back up to 220 lbs. Fed up with myself, I managed to get back down to 180 within a few months. Now I’m inching back up the scale at 200lbs and I’m pretty annoyed with myself. I know I can lose weight. I know that it can be fun and exciting to live a healthy lifestyle. It’s rewarding. I love when my clothes keep getting looser until I have to buy a smaller size. I know I can get back in the habit and make it an enjoyable experience.
Even though I’ve had impressive success in short bursts, it seems impossible for me to actually reach a healthy weight and stay there. How the hell do I break the cycle and stay on plan once and for all? Part of me feels like since I’ve never not been fat, the idea of being in a healthy body is so foreign to me and I can’t imagine having a flat tummy or feeling good in a bathing suit. How to I break through my mental blocks so I finally believe that I can and will reach a healthy weight? How do I convince myself that “fat” doesn’t need to be ingrained in my identity?
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