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Hey guys! I haven't posted here before (but I've been reading forever) so here are my stats: I am a 24 year old woman, I am 5'2" tall and I weigh 190lbs (my highest weight ever and current weight). My goal weight is 120lbs.
[Background info for context about why I have no freaking clue how to eat like a normal person, skip to the bottom for my question]:
I have had weight problems my entire life. When I was a child I was moderately overweight which turned me into a very depressed teenager who struggled big time with disordered eating. I never saw a doctor for it but I was extremely athletic in competitive swimming and I was also starving myself, purging (making myself throw up) and cutting myself (always on my stomach because I hated it and because my swim suits covered them). Whenever I wasn't at swim practice or cross training I was in bed in the dark because I didn't have the energy to get up and I had a constant headache. I had some sort of practice at least 5 times a week and I was eating ~500 calories a day. Eventually I stopped purging for the most part and cutting because I was throwing up blood and waking up sweating and shaking from how bad the cuts hurt. I was afraid I was going to die and I didn't want to die. I was still starving myself and I fainted on several occasions. I begged my mom to take me to a therapist because I was afraid I was going to die and the one she took me to called me selfish and I never went back (except for a brief stint later in college which I didn't find that helpful). Despite how I was treating my body for several years, I was still on the low end of a healthy weight, at around 110lbs with a fair bit of muscle.
I quit sports when I started college and starving myself somehow turned into binge eating and I started gaining a lot of weight. The self-hate cycle continued and I tried weight watchers, keto, cardio, strength training, etc and my weight has fluctuated up and down dramatically over the past few years to arrive at my current and highest-ever weight of 190 lbs. I am aware I am obese/50lbs overweight. Throughout all of this time I have hated myself a lot and been very unhappy. I recently got married and just before the wedding I pretty much forced my fiance (now husband) to kindly and respectfully admit that he is unhappy with my weight and my response was to immediately starved myself for several days and buy diet pills (which I didn't take because my husband begged me not to). So my point is the issues are still there in the background. I wanted to throw up every time I ate for several days. (Side note: my husband is amazing and caring and never would have said anything if I hadn't forced him, and he is fully supportive of whatever makes me happy and healthy.)
This time, I am trying something different. I read a book about binge eating and something clicked. For the past week I have had 1 binge on Halloween candy and that's it...for me this is life-changing and I am finally started to feel in control (even though I know I always have been, it just hasn't felt that way). I've also signed up for some races and started running because I have found that very motivating and fun in the past. I am going to read more books about this topic and I feel optimistic for the first time in a long time. Something is different this time from the millions of other times and I think I can do it. Instead of just being thin, I want to be healthy for myself, my husband and our future children.
Now, that brings me to my actual question:
How do people without eating/food "issues" have "treats" of unhealthy foods without the associated feelings of guilt, anxiety and doom? The book I read requires somewhat strict rules about food plans and anything outside of that is a "binge" and not permitted. Given my past with disordered eating I am choosing to ignore that part of the mentality because while the rest of the ideology was helpful, the concept of a strict food plan is too triggering for me and I don't think I could handle it without purging. But I see people who I know to be otherwise healthy and fit enjoy fun treats like desserts, the occasional glass of wine (although I'm not a big drinker), meals like nachos, etc. Does it come down to portion control? Is it just that they are eating a small portion of these foods and not eating them regularly? Do they exercise enough to balance it out? Do they eat lighter for the rest of the day? Eat less the next day? Is it all of the above or is it something else? I don't know how to eat those kinds of foods without feeling like I've done something wrong and I'm afraid that I'll never see progress, become discouraged and eat (or starve) myself to death.
Sorry if this post sounds a bit dramatic but I really want to get it right this time and I can see this issue getting in the way.
Thank you so much in advance to anyone who took the time to read and reply! xx
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2DkCz0s
