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This is an anonymous confession and the only statistics of people who feel this way that I know of are myself and my group of friends. I hope I can reach out to someone before they end up like me. If not, at least put it out there.
My SW was 203 lbs, 5;6'' and at 23 I was a fat chick who would think in terms of:
- No one wants to fuck me. Pretty skinny girls live such better lives. It's true, science proves it.
- They hate me because I'm fat. They wouldn't hate me if I was skinnier.
- I fucking hate beauty standards.
- Who cares if I want to lose weight to be pretty?
- Who cares what reason it is as long as I'm skinny? Whatever works.
and my only reason to lose weight was to be exactly like those skinny girls I had such hateful and mixed feelings of desire and judgement about. I hid that petty and superficial over forums that empower losing weight for petty reasons or being so confident that there's nothing wrong with wanting to look good. When really, the truth was I was doing it for spite and hate and most of all, my ego.
Today, I'm 27, 115lbs and I've unlearned so much of that stupid, narrow minded logic. My identity as I got skinnier and made 'more attractive' friends, I became the hateful, skinny bitch who, ironically, really hated herself. And I realized I was losing a lot of friends because of my hateful attitude. But who cares, I'm hotter, I'm skinnier, and more guys like me and more of my friends are pretty.
The hateful attitude just spreads in other areas of me. I was way more judgmental in all areas of my life. Anything that made me look prettier like make up, clothes, hobbies I would learn and excel in so I can keep improving and being a better version of me. But I was only doing that in spitefulness and hate under the guise of self love and being a better self.
Right now, I am so ashamed and my self-awareness and acceptance has caught up with me. It's hard to struggle with this attitude of pettiness and hate that I've built up for so long. But I'm learning to truly love myself by losing the weight of my hate and pettiness.
What I really want to share is that, while, different strokes work for different folks. The petty attitude becomes a nasty habit that will hurt you along the way. And the idealizing or fantasy of feeling good because I'm skinny becomes a lie.
I am not here to argue with you that it's okay to have petty reasons for losing weight. I am here to show you a result of someone who took that to heart and has to re-heal. If I could do it over again, I would focus on losing weight because I want good habits of positivity that heals myself and people around me.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2PNLwFt
